Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
