Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
