This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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