Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
