when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
