So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
