broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just high enough for therapy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
