I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dude i'm inner monologue high
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize