I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
