i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I want a musical about memes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
