Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
