Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
