just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
