Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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