And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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