at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
