Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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