our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
