you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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