I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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