Define "chronic" masturbator.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Who died my cat blue again?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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