I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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