He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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