Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
