just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I am naked and annoyed.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize