is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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