Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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