He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
