when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
