I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
They have beer where we have blood.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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