Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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