Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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