I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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