I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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