Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
