6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
