I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
