not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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