People in love make me want to vomit
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
