We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
