I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
