Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
