you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize