'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
