even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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