I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
