She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
