Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
