Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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