Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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