just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
