a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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