why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize