Already got asked if we're dating
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
