Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
