You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
