Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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